I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
