So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
