Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
