You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
