Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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