new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
