im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
