Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
