These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
