I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
