Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
