so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
