omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
