It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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