i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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