I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
