Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
