I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
