just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
