Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
