id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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