I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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