Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
