I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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