Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You smell like stripper and shame
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
