I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
