Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
