i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
