Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
