grandma shit on top of the toilet
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
