Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
