I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
