My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
