Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
