Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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