I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
