I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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