shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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