the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
