if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
