Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up under a house in Key West
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
