shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
