I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
