This is not my ceiling
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
