YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You ruined the universe
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
