Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
