found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
