we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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