I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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