Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
