I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
