I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
