I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
