Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He shit in the fireplace
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
