I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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